A 3 square mile cesspool of idiocy just to the north of Boston, Everett has rapidly spiraled into best place to get in a machete fight in a parking lot. The only thing that rates in this balloon-knot of a city is Everett High School football and the steaknuts that participate in it. Every Saturday in the Fall, Everett Stadium fills to the brim with strung-out high schoolers, soon-to-be-pregnant cheerleaders, and middle-aged failures, who have never quite gotten over that time in ’73 when they could have been state champions if coach had only put them in the game.
Everett is the best place to go if you want Dunkin’ Donuts, a submarine sandwich or a funeral, because there is an outlet for each of those at least every 20 feet. There are other attractions in E-Town too: In the mood for a dirty, trashbag strip club attached to a motel? Head for King Arthurs! Want to drink an $8 Bud surrounded by styrofoam gargoyles from Spencer Gifts? The Crypt is your destination my friend. Are you kind of a dork and want to make one-stop to achieve badassness? You can get a gold chain, a tattoo AND a firearm at Ma-Zel’s on Ferry St (convienently across the street from The Crypt).
Yes, Everett is magical place, where the heroin is cheap and the calzones are hot! Visit now before it’s officially annexed by Brazil.
“Ya dude, I was at The Crypt last night in Everett, MA shooting up in the bathroom, and I was like fuckin’ A, you know? And then I totally did this chick who was passed out next to the stage. Have you seen my machete?”
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